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Top 40 Rules of the Road - by Baker Lee FOH
Magazine 2003
Industry veteran Bob Higgins has more than 20 years of experience in the
touring industry as a touring video director, and currently with XL Touring
Video. With the help of contributing editors B. Riedling, A. Kramer, V. Jarvis,
W. Willoughby, G. Jones and R. Alvarez, he’s pieced together these words of
wisdom. The following rules were gleaned from his own early mistakes, mistakes
he’s seen along the way (with the shipping records as proof), eyewitness accounts,
and road stories too numerous to mention. Please read carefully, you will be
tested daily...
It was late at night and I was alone in the back lounge of an eastbound Florida
Coach, while the video of the show was playing out to my tears. Yes... tears.
It wasn’t drugs or alcohol that drove me to somewhere between melancholy and
awe, but rather the humbling realization of the moment. It had been three hours
since the show was over, 20 hours since I’d last slept, another two before I
would next, six before I’d have to get up again, and I didn’t care at all; at
least I was seen at the scene of the crime. I was one of the lucky ones who
had been released on my own recognizance. I was on tour.
I’m not sure why all the rest of you do this for a living—the electronic circus
which demands a daily pattern of up with the big top, on with the grease paint,
and down with the show’s vibe—but for me, I just plain love it. It’s undeniable:
albeit brutal, relentless, and thankless, it is still somehow rewarding. We’re
specialists when we go to sleep, and generalists when we wake up. We live the
freest of lives with the strictest of rules. It’s a T-shirt subculture, with
a blue-collar ethic, living in the midst of a white-collar world.
Hence, in deference to all the additions you’ll offer up, while (hopefully)
lucid in the general population of the front lounge, here are the tenets we
all actually live by while rockin’ down the road, and rollin’ into town. Even
if you don’t like them, I’m certain you’ll either take credit for the good parts,
or get over it.
Rules of the Road
01. Think about what the system needs while you’re in rehearsal–not the day
of the first show. We really find no pleasure in shipping tons of cable a thousand
miles overnight, unless you’re going to ship your butt back in the same case.
02. If you have personal issues, please leave them at home, or have the subscriptions
canceled; most significantly, substance abuses of any kind. There’s no room
for them on the bus.
03. If you know you’re going to have a problem getting into Canada, then you’ve
done this before, and you should tell us now. It’s bad enough that people have
to go to Canada at all—don’t make it worse by forcing them to hear your story
during a four o’clock in the morning border crossing. If you know you’re hiding
this, then make sure you have several hundred dollars in your pocket and the
airfare for your replacement.
04. If you experience any problems on the road, personal or technical, please
call the home office first, immediately—regardless of the day or time. It’s
better to wake us up in the middle of the night so we can help you solve it
than to have us wake up in the morning to find out we’ve lost a show, the tour,
or a member of the crew.
05. The Production Office is the production’s office, not yours. Your office
is the million-dollar system you load in and out every day—hang out there instead,
and see if there’s a way to take better care of it, or make better use of it.
06. Do not use the production telephones for personal use. If you need something
for yourself, then use your own phone. If you need something for the system,
then use the company-supplied cell phone. Do not use your cell phone for system
needs and then ask us to reimburse you—that’s why we supply the crew with phones.
Do not use the supplied cell phone for personal use—we take that personally.
07. The tour manager takes care of the band and the accountants, and doesn’t
need to know what you think or need. The production manager takes care of the
production and only needs to know what the production needs. The production
assistant is your best friend, but that’s supposed to be a well-kept secret,
so don’t act like it.
08. Do not ask the runners to do anything personal for you. If it’s that important,
then either take care of it on your days off, or ask the production assistant
if you can put it on the runner’s list. If you have to think about whether you
want everyone to know about it, then don’t bother—simply re-read the first sentence
of this rule.
09. There is to be no sex, real or imagined, with the production assistant—male
or female.
10. In every situation, please try and remember these two somewhat metaphorical
tenets for a successful operation; they also work for relationships and other
emergencies:
a. Clearly establish and respect your chain of command, lines of communication,
and plan of attack before you embark on your mission.
b. Secure your base, establish your coordinates, and guarantee an escape route.
(In other words, figure out the best location for your equipment placement,
find the safest and cleanest route for all signal paths, and lay it all out
for the most efficient load-out.)
11. Take care of the equipment as if it’s your responsibility—it is. Saving
30 seconds on a load-out is not worth two hours the next day to fix a piece
of gear, or $500 in Fed Ex charges to send you a replacement.
12. If you are assigned a walkie-talkie by production, be aware that a replacement
will cost as much as you likely net in a week, and will be worth more than you.
13. Bring your own specialized tools. Only you know what it is you do. God knows
we still can’t figure it out.
14. Work as a collective team. If one person is working and you’re not, then
help him. If you’re too stupid to add anything, then go to the bus—but let someone
know where you will be. Sitting around telling the same boring road tales while
everyone else is working will not make you the envy of anyone, but it could
invite disdain from the crew.
15. Don’t promise anything to anyone beyond the existing system or crew. It’s
not yours to offer. Refer everything to the designated crew chief, and the crew
chief will call the office—someone should’ve thought it of in rehearsal anyway
(see #1 and #10a).
16. If you are the designated crew chief, it’s an acknowledgement of leadership,
responsibility, and respect, not an elevation in job title. There is no extra
pay in it. Someone’s gotta do it. Would you rather have some other idiot telling
you what to do?
17. Speaking of idiots, be sure you do an “idiot” check at the end of every
load out—this is in addition to staring at yourself in the mirror for an hour
wondering why you agreed to do this gig. Do not assume the local crew gives
a damn about the gear only you know is yours. If you leave something behind,
you’ll know it before we do, so get it back immediately or your name will replace
the word idiot above (See #4 and #11).
18. Do not offer strangers tickets or passes. They’re not yours to offer. Besides,
you’re leaving town on the bus and won’t get laid anyway, and if you already
did—why bother?
19. Think twice before offering people you know, including family, tickets or
passes. Remember how distracting and time consuming it is to wander around outside
a venue before a show, worrying about anything but the show. And you shouldn’t
be having sex with relatives anyway.
20. Beware the three-week rule. That’s when everyone has learned the show, takes
it for granted, and starts focusing on each other’s behavioral problems. You’ve
done this before; so don’t act like you’re surprised at that time of the month.
It’s going to happen. Get over it. It is also when spouses and mates get bitchy
at home. If you don’t want to come home and find the toilet seat up, then either
give them the attention and detail they deserve before you leave, or don’t go
on tour.
21. NEVER be late for a bus call. You will be oil-spotted at your own expense.
The good news is, if you’re late, you will provide the entire production an
opportunity for a lifetime’s worth of jokes-also at your expense.
22. If you find you cannot urinate standing up on a moving bus without redecorating
the entire head, it doesn’t mean you’re a drunk or a sissy. Even rock stars
do it sitting down.
23. Do not even consider going #2 on the bus, or someone will pull your head
off and do it down your neck.
24. Do not leave your new “special friend” alone on the bus, or in your hotel
room-ever. I guarantee you, when they are gone they will have taken a souvenir,
which could easily be your wallet, or
your job.
25. Do not lose or lend your bus key, or your laminate, to anyone—ever. The
cost of replacing either is subject to a market price determined by the most
ruthless, twisted, and relentless person available in production.
26. If there are long bus drives ahead, buy a book or some videos, or write
letters to your loved ones telling them how much you miss them. Do not ask us
to pay for a flight to the next destination. Besides, you might miss a great
view of the country’s heartland before some deranged extremists attempt to destroy
it.
27. Always sleep in your bunk with your feet facing the front—everyone else
does. There are a lot of boot lickers in this business, and you wouldn’t want
them to get confused in the middle of the night. And if you really don’t understand
this rule, then just take note of what it feels like when the driver slams on
his brakes 10 times during the late night ride.
28. Avoid falling asleep in either the front or back lounges of the bus—unless
you want to wake up with a face that looks like a tattooed princess from New
Zealand. Everyone has a felt pen.
29. If you have days off, do not consider taking off for home. You should’ve
taken care of whatever is so urgent before you left. Instead, arrange for whatever
it is to come to you, at your own expense, and don’t expect any special considerations.
30. Do not whine; you are an adult, and hopefully a professional. It’s not becoming,
and you might invite a kind of sex you do not want.
31. When you check out of a hotel, always pay your incidentals or you’ll become
incidental.
32. You have agreed to a pay rate. Do not suddenly decide halfway through the
tour that you’re working too hard, or are too talented, for that pay. That is
only the artist’s prerogative. If you were an artist, then we would have met
in some avant-garde art gallery sipping sissy wine.
33. All recordings of the show belong to the artist—again, you are not the artist.
They should be clearly labeled and handed over to one designated person in production.
Any material recorded on hard drives should be dubbed onto “safeties.”
34. Do not bother apologizing. Enough time was wasted when you screwed up. Time
would be better served drawing a map for yourself so you won’t bother going
that way again.
35. No matter how you feel about the music or the artist, remember the artist
is always right, and is ultimately responsible for all of you. They have put
their trust in you while “up there on the stage.” If they weren’t there, you
would be home wishing you had a gig. Or worse yet, you might be flipping burgers.
36. Remember, the show’s the thing and it’s a composite medium. It only works
if everybody does their best together. Keep in mind that the audience has possibly
spent their only disposable income of the year for one night out. Make it worth
it.
37. The stars are not our friends, they are our employers. “Close to the fire,
first to get burned.” If they know your name, guess who they’re going to freak
out on when something goes wrong? Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to remember
exactly who you work for.
38. These rules are numbered for reference—not priority. Whichever one you screw
up first automatically becomes #1. Do not see this as a challenge for how many
infractions you can accumulate in the length of the tour. You will not last
that long.
39. If you learned anything new by reading this, then either you don’t belong
on the road, or you’re new, and should keep your excitement to yourself. We
advise you then, to look at it again and again in your bunk with a flashlight,
as if it were a girlie magazine. If it gets you titillated, we don’t want to
know about it.
40. Be nice, be great, and have fun.
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